I call myself “Donna Downer” a lot. People will post something and I can come in and shoot it all down. A writer I follow has compared it to “coming to someone’s home and crapping on the living room carpet”. And I don’t disagree. I’ve been trying to live by the old adage my grandmother used – if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.
That said (you knew this was coming), I also believe in being a realist and recognizing that sometimes things suck. And this year has really sucked. All I’ve been seeing on Facebook for the past couple of days has been about 2020 ending and how glad people are. I understand the feeling, but nothing magical is going to happen at 12:01am on January 1st. We still have a pandemic that is killing nearly 4,000 people per day – which is more than we lost on 9/11, we still have a crappy economy that is shedding jobs with people resorting to stealing because they are going without food (thanks to Moscow Mitch who hates the very folk who elected him to his office), we still have a dysfunctional government that will remain that way even after January 20th because the incoming administration is not getting the information they need during this transition period, and we still have over 70 million people in the nation that just fucking don’t care about anyone else. It’s too much to ask these “patriots” to wear a mask because a piece of cloth over their nose and mouth is a step too far. Assholes.
Someone posted an honest assessment of bad things happening to them in a Facebook group page I’m on and the first 20 comments were all about “think positively,” “don’t let it get you down,” and other off-the-cuff philosophy. My response was the opposite; you have the right to speak out when things are bad. Negative emotions are just as valid as positive ones and sometimes the bad stuff covers you up so completely you can’t find ANYTHING good. People going through tough times need validation for the strong emotions they are feeling. They need the support of their social circle to get through the bad.
Here’s an example of not being able to talk about bad stuff.
My house had a slab leak in 2017 that ended up practically gutting the downstairs in my townhome. The plumbing people did such a bad job fixing the leak that the insurance company refused to cover it (even after approving the demolition to expose and dry out the walls which landed me in court to pay the $5k). The walls were exposed 18-inches high all over, all my furniture in the living room, my appliances from the kitchen, and the toilet from the bathroom were set in the middle of the room to get to the walls. All the lower cabinets in my kitchen were scrapped to get to the connecting walls. It was (and still is) a mess.
My HOA did file an insurance claim and I received a check. The contractor I hired got the drywall put back and painted some of the living room, then disappeared with the money. I was left with no flooring, my kitchen still without cupboards and drawers, and most of my possessions in boxes in my garage (which I can’t get to). I live paycheck-to-paycheck with a lousy credit rating thanks to my messy divorce. I tried finding home-repair grants from either the state or county but there aren’t any. I contacted Habitat For Humanity because they also do home repairs, but I was told they don’t to townhomes or condos. I have tried so many places only to be repeatedly told “no”. It’s been 3.5 years and I’m still living in my shithole of a house.
When I tried to share my burden with my social circle I was criticized. No one wanted to hear it. While others in the Star Wars fan community were raising money for very deserving members, somehow I have never been eligible for that kind of help. Even among geeks I’m an outsider again, watching others but not participating. I am relegated to the back where I have to keep my bad stuff to myself; I can’t complain or even try to share the burden of what I’m going through
Validation is the best thing you can offer someone going through bad times, as many people are these days. As a child I would come home from school crying that no one liked me and I had no friends. My mother, not realizing how her words hurt me, would contradict me and say I was wrong that I had lots of friends. But saying it doesn’t make it true. And 50-plus years later I still really don’t have any stand-by-you-and-help-bury-the-bodies friends. There are many people I know and like, who like me back, but it’s more casual.
It’s time to let people be negative and gripe and complain. Support them. Validate them and their feelings. As long as they move on to fix what they can in their life, bitching and moaning is a process we all need. Especially now.
Happy 2021.
I Miss Andy Rooney 